Fun With An Elf

My mom purchased The Elf on the Shelf for us four years ago. For the first several years, I dutifully moved the elf every night, and it was pretty fun.

But this year, I started seeing fun ideas online, and I have really stepped up the mischief that our elf pulls. Here are a few shots of the hilarity, including painting the bathroom mirror, and the kids noses, and then being found with a paintbrush, hanging underwear and diapers on the tree, fishing for Goldfish crackers in the toilet, and drawing funny faces on a family portrait. Our elf even brought them Christmas pjs to wear on our Polar Express train ride.

One Sunday, I overheard Little Miss begging Bethaniel to play hide and go seek with her.  I told her that perhaps if she went to count in her room while he hid, he would play, as he didn’t want her to see him move.  I kept that girl busy for well over an hour playing hide and seek with her elf.  It was hard to keep a straight face, but she was really good at finding all of the funny places I hid that doll.

Wondering what I can do that will top all of this…  I’ll be using sites like this for ideas.  Bwahahahahaha…..

Out of the Mouth of Babes

At dinner tonight, we were asking Little Miss questions.  The answers were so funny, I had to document.

1. Where do babies come from?  In the belly.  I know that question very well, thank you.  They come from God.  You guys make an egg and then the baby goes inside into the belly. 
2. What are you going to be when you grow up?  I’m going to be somebody that is on stage.  I’m going to do ballet.  Did you know Spiderman is real?  So he’s working on stage right now, and he doesn’t have a costume on.    
3. Where do lions live, and what do they eat?  Why are they called the king of the jungle? So they live in the jungle.  I don’t know what they eat, but I think they get lost so people find them and put them in a zoo.  They are called the king of the jungle because they’re really big and strong.
4. Who is the smartest person you know?  Barack Obama. 
5. What is truth?  So truth is if you lie…  If one hand makes the L, the other makes the wrong.   That means the other one is right. (In other words, she confused left and right with truth and lies.)
6. Do two wrongs make a right?  No, so one wrong and one right makes right.  If someone does something mean and the other one does it to the other one, that’s not fair.  And nobody tells, they’re going to have to go home. 
7. What is a princess?  Well they’re not real.  They’re just on TV.  But Belle is. Spiderman is.  Belle is because Kacey said Belle came to Jordyn’s party.  So if someone has beautiful clothes, but don’t act beautiful, they’re not beautiful. 
8. What kind of man will you marry?  A man with a beard.  A white beard.  He’s going to drive a motorcycle. 
9. What is the internet?  So the internet is where you write down stuff and then it sends it to other people that you’re writing to.
10. Why is the sky blue?  Because God doesn’t just want to make it white.  There has to be just two colors in between white, so God decided to make it blue.
11. Tell me about boys.  So if girls have penises, and boys have vaginas, so boys call girls boys and girls call boys girls because it’s a lot more different.
12. Why do girls wear dresses?  Because so if boys wore dresses it would be funny and every girl is going to laugh at them.  Boys don’t like dresses and whenever you try to put them on, they’ll say, “no”.
13. What does Mommy do for work?  So she pays money to give to the poor children so that she doesn’t be poor.
14. What does Daddy do for work?  He pays money just like you not to be poor and give money to other poor kids just like you are. 
15. How old  is Grandma?  Um, that’s a hard one.
16. What happens when you die?  You just are really still and you never move.  You can’t see, and you’re really still like this.  If you are mean, you’ll go to Hell, if you’ve been nice your whole life, you’ll go to Heaven.
17. What happens in Heaven?  So if you go to Hell, you eat yucky stuff, and in Heaven you eat good stuff like bread.  Bread is hard in Hell, and it’s good in Heaven. 
18. What is your life going to be like in 20 years?  So in 20 years, if I’m old, I die a little bit older.  You don’t know this…  You don’t want to be fat because if you’re fat, your life won’t be that long, it will be short.
19. But what is YOUR life going to be like?  I might be like Claire (her aunt).  I might be like Papa.  To be like Papa, I would sleep really late. 
20. Would you stay in the bathroom a long time like Papa?  Well if you poop by yourself and you don’t even wipe every day, your bottom will turn so red you won’t even want to walk. 
21. What causes stinky bottoms?  Um so (said while cleaning toe jam) if you don’t wipe, your bottom will get red and store and it smells stinky.
22. What happens when you flush the toilet?  So nothing stinks and if you wipe, nothing is going to go on.  So they get the poop in the pipes and smash it up and then they make it disappear and then they make the dirty water goes into the sea. 
23. What does the president of the United States do?  If it was the Queen, it would go on trips and have everyone do what they wanted.  But if it was the President, he would talk or sing or be on stage. 
24. What is the best part about skiing?  So I like when I turn and sometimes I jump a little bit. (I guarantee this kid is not jumping on her skis.)

Ariel’s Twin Sister

If you can’t have a bit of fun with your kids, then what point is parenthood?  An excerpt from a family conversation this morning…

Little Miss:  (holding up two Ariel dolls)  This is Ariel, and her twin sister

JB:  Oh, is her name Areola?

Little Miss:  No.  Mom, do you think that is a beautiful name?

Me:  Oh, yes.

Little Miss:  If you had another little girl, would you name her Areola?

Me:  Definitely

Meat Market

Recent conversation with a co-worker at a staff lunch:

Co-worker: I hear the Sparks Farmer’s Market is becoming more of a meat market!
Me: It’s always been a meat market! I met my husband there 6 years ago!

That sure got a reaction from my team!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

While visiting friends last weekend, their 4 year old daughter looked at my leg, pointed to the lovely pregnancy induced spider veins I’ve developed and said, “Look!  You have letters on your leg!”

That’s just GREAT.  Yet another attractive side effect to wear proudly.

What the heck is THAT?!

I’ve heard the talk on the local radio stations about the really strange mascott for Reno’s new AAA baseball team, the Reno Aces.  It’s a red furry thing, and I kept hearing about “the thing that came out of its mouth”, and didn’t think much of it until a friend sent me a picture.  Check it out:

NOW I see what all the fuss is about.  I was told that the tongue looks so gross that the mascott has now been forbidden to stick it out anymore.  I see why!!!

No one knows what this red fuzzy thing is, and people that asked him at the home opener got a retort of “what do you think I am?”  I don’t know, we could have had a card, a card dealer, an actual ace…  Many options, but red fuzzy thing with a phallic mouth?!  I don’t get it…

Leave it to the NMSU Aggie to Stir Up Controversy

My sister in-law sent me the below article this morning, which had me rolling.  All I have to say (besides I’m bummed my team is out of the WAC tournament now) is that the Utah bull is darn lucky Pistol Pete didn’t retaliate more.  When I was at NMSU, Pistol Pete got in big trouble for punching the UTEP Miner in the nose.  Ah, those were the days…  Back when Pistol Pete actually had a pistol in the official logo (they have replaced it with a lasso to be more PC).   At least the real live Pistol Pete still has his pistol!

Article souce: http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/basketball/blog/the_dagger/post/Big-Blue-s-brazen-mustache-thievery-prompts-masc?urn=ncaab,148058&post_comment=1&success=1

Sat Mar 14, 2009 4:35 pm EDT

Big Blue’s brazen mustache thievery prompts mascot fight

By MJD

A man never ever messes with another man’s mustache. That’s the unwritten code among men. It exists mostly because mustaches are rather gross and you don’t want to be touching those things, but also because the mustache is sacred. A man’s lip fur is his identity; the very essence of his soul.

Utah State’s mascot, Big Blue, broke that code last night in the semifinals of the WAC men’s basketball championship tournament.

During a timeout with 7 seconds left and New Mexico State leading 70-69, Utah State’s mascot, “Big Blue” the bull, confronted New Mexico State’s “Pistol Pete” cowboy mascot and ripped off his fake mustache.

The cowboy then chased the bull to halfcourt, jumped on his back and tried unsuccessfully to pull him to the floor.

“Pistol Pete” then started to try to choke his rival before retreating to his end of the court.

Several newspaper photographers covering the game said they heard a man in a Nevada shirt offer the Utah State mascot $100 to go grab the mustache.

The man confirmed to The Associated Press that was true and that he paid the mascot the $100, but declined to provide his name. He said he did not expect New Mexico State’s “Pistol Pete” to respond the way he did.

You know, if there’s $100 involved, and the mustache is fake … I say the code doesn’t apply here. Take the benjamin and snatch the faux flavor-savor.

Also, Utah State and New Mexico State are both known as the Aggies, and Utah State’s mascot is a big, furry blue bull, and New Mexico State’s mascot is a dude in a fake mustache. Bulls can’t grow mustaches, so I don’t think you can blame him for being a little jealous. If one Aggie can paste a mustache onto his grill, why can’t the other? Let’s not discriminate against bulls here.

Utah State won the game and advanced to the conference final. The whereabouts of the mustache are not known.

Doctor’s Orders

At my first official OB appointment, the nurse handed me a flyer with general information you should know about pregnancy, like what over the counter drugs you can take, and when you should report symptoms to the doctor.  I posted it on my fridge, as it has some handy information.  But what stands out every time I go to open the fridge is the multiple mentions in ALL CAPS of DO NOT DOUCHE WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT.  They then proceed to say that you’ll have more discharge (eew) and will smell different, and by no means does this mean you should DOUCHE.  Ah.  Appetizing. I could remove it, but I’m now starting to find it entertaining having the word DOUCHE posted on the fridge in all caps. 

There are also multiple mentions of “due to the intimate nature of these appointments, please be sure to take a shower before each appointment.”  And at that, I cringe at what nastiness the poor doctors endured before they were brought to putting that on the general informational hand out.  My deepest sympathies go out to them on that one.

And that is the end of my random thought of the day.

Now you know the rest of the story.  Good day.  (Is it just me, or does anyone else have Paul Harvey quotes running through their heads this week?!)

Beware: Leaking BOBBIES

This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law, who emailed me pleading me to update, as the latte art embryo was getting old!

So…  Something I have been wanting to blog about is the community boards at one of my favorite pregnancy sites.  I won’t say which site it is in this entry, as I don’t want to get chased by the online lynch squad.  Anyway, most of the chatter on those boards is very entertaining, but some stand out to me as downright scary examples of the people that are out there procreating. 

Exhibit A:

I just made this huge ass fuss about driveing at 11:15 p.m. to go to mcdonalds to get the one thing i have been craveing all day which was the fish filet sandwich. Well, i got the 2 for $3.99 deal and also got a large fry.

It takes me 5 minutes to get home and by the time i got here my fries were ice freaking cold and the fish was stale. Im mad. I think next time i will get burger kings fish filet sandwich! either that or im going to tell mcdonalds to drop my food fresh!

Perhaps I am a grammar freak, but holy cow, the spelling, punctuation and content just blow me away.  Yikes! 

Exhibit B:

AGHHHH… I am 19wks today and this is my 4th pregnancy….3rd child.  I have NEVER had any leaking before my babies were born and had a hard time nursing (I have DDs and feel like I am suffercating the baby lol)…anyways… I am 19wks and have wet spots that keep forming on my shirts and with any pressure they leak quite a bit… My daughter was born at 33wks so I had my 2nd 17P injection today, so I am just worried that leaky bobbies  this early may be a sign that I am going to deliver early again… what do you all think?

OK, perhaps this one isn’t so bad. But the talk about “leaking bobbies” really had me rolling. She did post again saying she caught the typo. The title of that post was in all caps: “LEAKING BOBBIES”. Ha!

Exhibit C: Rant about the Baby Daddy

1) He wants me to leave my son with him while I am at work so that he won’t have to pay child support and can watch *name removed* during the day. He works nights at a bar. *name removed* is currently going to go to my mom’s house while I work during the day and be with me at night.

2) He refuses to get a second job because he wants to make sure he has to give me as little money as possible to help raise this child.

3) He is the most worthless piece of shit in the freakin universe. I wish he would just go away forever. Leave us alone. I hate him!

4) He is a former drug addict, current alcoholic, stupid, mean, hateful asshole. He used to deal drugs. He does tattoos out of his home with no license. I have got to figure out a way to get him caught.

5) His entire family is alcoholics. His dad left when he was a kid and he has alot of issues because of that.

6) THE VERY THOUGHT OF HIM MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT!!!! I hate him!

Ah, that is a golden one. It’s an example of when I see some really young (I’m guessing 18-19 here) single girl typing, I’m SO glad I waited until I was married and well established in my career before reproducing. There are so many rants about the Baby Daddy… It is just sad to me. But part of me reads that and thinks you really thought he was good boyfriend material?!

So anyway, I’ll post more gems as I come across them. And in honor of the late, great Paul Harvey, I say “Good Day!”

Latte Art

JB is now really into making gourmet coffee. His latest pursuit is latte art. Here is a picture of his latest masterpiece, an embryo!

Pantsless Prince Strikes Again

Just thought you all would like to know we found the prince in bed with Tinkerbell today, and he still wasn’t wearing any pants.

I assume this is because of the horrific accident last week, when my niece completely dismembered Sleeping Beauty (the original mate of the Prince), taking off her head and all four limbs.  Since then, I believe he has been on the hunt for a new woman.  I just didn’t think it would be a fairy.

Excerpt from a Phone Conversation At Work

Today, while on a call with a counterpart in Asia, I had the following conversation:

Caller: Where do you sit?

Rebellin: You mean where do I live?

Caller: Yes

Rebellin: Reno, Nevada

Caller: Is that in Seattle?

Rebellin: No, it’s in the same state as Las Vegas.

Caller: Las Vegas? 

Rebellin: OK, we’re just to the East of California

Caller: Ah, California

You wouldn’t believe the laughs this got out of my cubicle mates when they overheard my geography lesson.  Not that I’d be any better at Asian geography, but come on, I thought EVERYONE knew about Las Vegas!

Snappy Casual — Help Me Pick an Outfit

So my work Christmas Party is actually happening next week…  It’s now a “Winter Celebration”.  Anyway, the invite for the party says the dress code is Snappy Casual, which has caused a lot of talk around what the heck that means, and who the heck came up with that term anyway.

Then, a few weeks after all the buzz on Snappy Casual, someone posted flyers with avatars modeling different outfits that would meet the definition of Snappy Casual and they are FUNNY.  I have been drooling at getting electronic copies of these for so long, as I just HAD to share with all of you the outfit options…

Which outfit should I wear?  I love how the women options range from cocktail dress to tank top with slacks. It looks like a matching hand bag is necessary as well, don’t you think?

And now, we need to choose an outfit for JB.  I’m leaning towards the pink shirt combo…

I sent the male image to JB, and his response was, “so I have to look gay to go to your party?”

Tehe.  I’ll let you know what we come up with.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Last night, I was listening to Josh Groban’s Christmas album, and Little Miss asks, “Momma, is that Superman singing?”

Small Boat Advisory

Back in October, my brother and hubby did the Xterra Triathlon up at North Lake Tahoe.  The day of the race, the water was so rough that all small boats were ordered off the lake and the swim part of the triathlon was cancelled.  I just remembered that I never posted the below pics, which show that when there is a small boat advisory on Lake Tahoe THEY ARE SO NOT KIDDING.

I’m All Out of Love

I am getting old.  Last night, I was happily asleep in my Heavenly Bed at the Westin until 1am, when a party erupted in the room next door.  Some woman was belting out Air Supply’s “I’m all out of love” and there was loud talking and laughing and OMG, I was pissed.  After about a half an hour of this, I called the hotel front desk, who sent security to the room.

I hear security come by and tell them to be quiet, and as soon as they were gone, the party raged on with more rousing 80s tunes.  I turned on the TV trying to drown it out.  I was miserable.  I banged on the wall a few times…  And after another hour of this, I called security a second time, who assured me that the ‘unregistered guests’ in the room had been escorted out.  I asked for ear plugs, but they didn’t have any (mental note to travel with those from now on).

I don’t function well on lack of sleep.  And I was so pissed that by the time the party died down at like 2:30am, I couldn’t get back to sleep.  I was very tempted to bang on their door this morning to show them how it feels to be woken up.

So here is the kicker…  I meet up with a co-worker this morning to walk to our meeting together, and I tell her how I’m low on sleep because there was a party in the room next door, and she busts up laughing…  Come to find out, that room was full of three of my co-workers (good God, it sounded like 30).  The girl belting out 80s tunes at 2am?  One of my good friends.  And evidently SHE called security on me because I was banging on the wall. 

I don’t know how she does it.  That co-worker, who had to be sloused last night, is leading today’s seminar, and she is chipper as can be.  Meanwhile, I was sober and just a grumpy old woman, and I’m dragging. 

It sucks getting old.

Oh, and my partying friend?!  She’s like 10 years older than me.  I guess it’s all a state of mind.

American League Championship Conversation

Here is the conversation that happend in our house last night:

JB:  THE RED SOCKS WON!  IT WAS THE BIGGEST POST SEASON UPSET IN OVER 80 YEARS!  blah blah blah blah blah blah blah……….  *insert about 5 minutes of excited chatter here*

LB: (after seeing a blurb on ESPN about the game) THEY HAVE  A PLAYER NAMED COCO CRISP?!!!!!!  Seriously?!  Coco Crisp?

Sorry, but I find that much more entertaining.  That’s even worse than Ocho Cinco.

I Was Part of A World Record

Forgot to mention that I was part of the Paper Airplane world record attempt last week at our company meeting.  Here is the video:

http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&vid=98b8ba55-1871-44b0-b6df-93728553935e&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:df102345-4270-41be-8a0d-c6b284aeced7%2Cda433e86-d5c2-4aac-98d7-837bdf821338%2Cd5496c16-f63d-450c-9a98-1b739b5051f1&from=MSNHP&tab=m137&GT1=42003

Joys of Working in a Cubicle Environment

You share a lot with people when you work in cubicles. Sometimes too much.

About 20 feet from me sits a guy we all have dubbed Nose Blower Guy (NBG for short). About once every 30 minutes, he blows his nose so loud, so HONKINGLY loud, that it literally makes me shudder. It is disgusting (as he just did it again, timing is uncanny). There are at least 10 of my office mates that talk about him — he bothers us all. It is distracting and gross.

Problem is none of us really KNOW the guy, so we don’t feel comfortable talking to him about this annoying habit. So, one of my friends asked his boss to intervene. That didn’t work. Last week, another friend kidnapped his tissue box (which she put on my desk for some reason, and I’m afraid to touch it), and in its place, left a note saying, “please blow your nose in the restroom. thanks!”

That didn’t work. Now we’re debating new tactics. I know, it’s strange, but I tell you, you hear about 5 people groan each time he does it, and the man is oblivious, and keeps honking his nose as LOUD and as often as he can.

A friend of mine has a guy she calls the “nose whistler” sitting on the other side of her cube wall. It bugs her like Chinese water torture. Luckily, I am able to block that noise out with headphones, but the Nose Blower Guy, well, he comes through loud and clear, no matter how loud I have my music cranked up.

Anyone else have a good shared workspace story to share?

My Kind of Fairy Tale

We’ve been reading Little Miss fairy tales lately, but this one is more up my alley.

An Exercise in Deliberate Bad Taste

You know it’s a slow news day when the headline of the local paper is “Beware of the lure of casino carpets“.  But it does bring to light something I’ve always pondered — why do those carpets have to be so tacky and awful?

My favorite quote from the article: “Casino carpet is known as an exercise in deliberate bad taste that somehow encourages people to gamble,” David Schwartz, director of the Center for Gaming Research at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, wrote in an essay.

They also mentioned that the hideous designs don’t show dirt, spilled drinks and cigarette burns easily.

What entertained me the most about the article was the man mentioned that has made it his hobby to take pictures of casino carpet, and numerous pictures were featured in the paper.  Unfortunately, those aren’t in the online article, but here is a LiveSearch of Casino Carpet Images.  Just in case you’re bored…

Off To A Bad Start

I’m a bit perturbed that Open Water Swimming (i.e. the Marathon Swim) isn’t getting more coverage.  You really have to dig to find info on it on the official Olympics site.  I believe the event takes place on Wednesday, but from what I can find online, coverage will be minimal, and it probably won’t be on TV.  Bummer. 

Anyway, I saw this picture from the triathlon, and it cracked me up.  I would caption this photo as “Off To A Bad Start”, as I think the guy with the 50HKG cap on must have been taking a nap when the gun went off. 

Off To A Bad Start

On Becoming A Quitter

I gave up drinking on Monday.

It’s a wonder I had such a hangover this morning!

I’m trying the South Beach Diet, per a doctor recommendation, and the first phase involves no alcohol for 2 weeks.  I made it about 24 hours.  I just picked a bad week to quit, as there was my hubby’s birthday and a business trip with my entire team.  A team that turns out is REALLY fun to travel with. 

I’ll quit again next Monday, I swear!

My Cubicle Feels Like a Jail Cell

Is it 5:00 yet?!  I’ve had a rough day.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I was standing in front of a class of 3rd graders for my volunteer duties with Junior Achievement, and can’t believe what slipped out of my mouth.

The scene:  Each student was to come up with an idea for a newspaper article and present it to the class.  A boy gets up and says something about monkey bars, but with his lisp, I heard something else.

Before I could stop my unconsious mind from clarifying, I said: “Monkey Balls?!”

It wasn’t until the word Balls was out of my mouth that I realized that was really bad.  I tried not to react, and back pedaled saying, “I thought you were talking about monkeys playing with balls,” but I soon realized it would be best to change the subject and move on, as there is really no recovering from saying Monkey Balls in front of a bunch of 10 year olds.